Have you ever felt lonely and that you have no friends? When you wanted to talk to someone and you realised that you didnt have anyone on your phone's speed dial mode, or you were scrolling down your contact list and realised that there is not really one whom you really want to talk to?

Sigh. It seems so deja vu. Like everything seems to be hitting me back at my face. I seriously do really think that I've done anything 'wrong' but it seems for once(maybe), Im feeling that way. It somehow occurred to me, how much I've changed in my preference of friends or rather the kind of company I would to hang out with. That's unhealthy, robin commented ( he's that mentor :] ). I guess unknowingly over the years after O levels, I've become more defined in my choice of friends and I guess even going to the extent of judging them before really knowing them. Im basing everything on my 1st impressions instead of really getting to know them.

Had dinner with robin the other night and he was telling me that I should be more opened in my social circle . As usual, I would take it in my stride and just chuck it somewhere else in my head. I was like why is he telling me that kinda thing? What's wrong with my choice of friends? Being opened and choice of friends doesnt seem to go hand in hand and further more, its a matter of personal preference/opinion and on top of that, its totally 2 different matters. Its problematic, if placed together. Like now. Im trying to convince myself that yea I should work on his advice and know more people. On the other hand, Im thinking of the extent ( the kind of 'homework') I've to do when I know people whose not really at my frequency. Besides that point, communication might be a problem since I'm more english-speaking. Although Im fluent in mandarin, my mode of communication is still in english.

!!@!@$#^%*%*#%$#^#&$* - Feeling really bleah about the entire issue. Well, finally everything makes sense why he made such a comment and I only realised it today.

Today's outing ended up with me feeling really shitty for god-knows reason. I mean what's so bad about it? I finally met up with my classmates that I've not seen in 3 years ( cause I guess everyone's too busy with their own lives to actually meet up and besides that, they arent really the closest people I hang out with. so yeah) and I must say everyone looked so different. One girl said I didnt change much, I was surprised though. Cuz I felt that I've kinda aged alittle ever since taking on the A Level route of studies. haha.

Did alot of catching up with each others' lives and many other stuffs. But it wasnt really much because there was simply too much to catch up on and you dont know where to start. sounds tragic? I think its rather unfortunate cause it suddenly rained on me that these girls are probably the ones that I dont really think I will meet up often. I wondered like when they make comments like we should meet up often next time, will it really be fulfilled or rather its just empty 'promises'? I really wonder. If so, why didnt we meet up during the past 3 years?

Sour about this issue. Afterall, Im pretty glad that I was still able to meet these girls. Keeping in touch would require additional efforts though. Hopefully I'll do it. Dont get me wrong, its not like Im the unwilling party. I grew tired of being the one taking initiatives of keeping the friendship intact. Im tired cause most of my friends are as such, however thankfully the closer ones dont do this to me. This shouldnt be the way keeping-in-touching should be cause one-sided effort makes everything loped-sided. After sometime, it gets tiring on one of the sides and gradually the friendship just slowly fades off and maybe 'die off'. Friendship is 2 way thingy and if one doesnt get this concept right, its just pitiful. Utterly pitiful.

Realised that I speak more mandarin when Im with my primary school buddies as well as my classmates and I speak mostly english to my seconday school besties, US gang as well as my JC buddies and others. I tried to 'tune' back ( between both languages) but naturally, mandarin just comes out of my mouth. good grief! I guess its just weird. Maybe its cause of this, Im probably not used to it and naturally felt out of place at the gathering somehow.

I guess I am to be blamed for being picky about friends. Hmm, now that's a food for thought.

Now that everything falls into place nicely, robin's advice made sense out of this situation and Im feeling better about the issue. ( Earlier, got quite upset after realising that i've no one to really pour out to and this issue slapped me straight on my face. It wasnt a nice feeling though.)

I really need some real form of loving.

Like really loving myself? Im kinda not confident and I guess after all these years, Im still struggling with this weakness of mine which is the root cause of my not-so-confident-self. Oh well, there's still so much for me to learn from and life's lessons doesnt end when one chapter of it ends and a new one starts before you even complete the 'homework'.

The last thing that I guess I have to do : Make more friends.

School's starting like really soon ( I know i've said that umpteen times but hey, who the schooling-one here? ) and I guess I'll let things be. Hopefully I'll click with someone.

Being opened wise, it take a long while cause I've my own set of values and principles that I hold on to.










*Updates on the RLM thingy : its just a passing phrase for me and this guy was just a sort of distraction at the firm. kinda appreciate his presence though cause he made going to work extra special and what more= FUN!