Nothing seems to be of any sense lately. i simply disgusted with the way i'm living my life. there isnt any sense of urgency or realisation that its my exam year and i'm just squandering every precious minute. =/

i'm going to push myself hard. no excuses anymore. the atmosphere has become all so tense in view of the approaching mid years. spotting many unpredictable people studying. what about me then? there shouldnt be any excuses. going use the midyear exam as a practical gauge. lately tests have traumatised me. =/

life isnt dull at the moment. it has gotta a whole lot different. trying to fit in again- getting into the momentum i lost since God knows when. =/ SYF coming up. drilling on pieces. i'm getting earworms on that 2 pieces. i wonder when can we sound perfect and kevin would be proud of us.

i know i'm able to handle the situation at present. i doubt there would be any further development or so. there are many reasons that held me back.most of them, personal. by keeping private i wouldnt let anyone have the opportunity to say anything.

1 peter 5:7 ' Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you." - something that kept me going for the past year. =))

yay! pics of the guitar ensemble outing on 19 mar 2005. =) the first outing since God knows when. ahaah. lots of fun interacting with this bunch of peeps. they added spice to my life definitely. love you guys so much. * is there too..* =) oh oh look at the scandals...haha the couples-to-be and the couples..oh man..they look so compatiable.... 

things that kept me occupied during the week (well at least sane) :

• guitar practices (intensive trainings)
• hanging out with my darlings ( silly fun with PoPo, Angie, Nattie & Jess)
• sleeping ( slept so much like there's no tml)
• working ( i did econs! =D )
• lame-ing with the guitar peeps ( they added spice to my msn life----woopies!)

what a week. its friday and i know i still have lots of stuff to cover. oh well. better better better manage time wisely. =/ i'm glad at least there's huge improvements in the standard for the SYF 2nd song. had intensive practices this week and i should say if there's improvements made, we'll be seeing gold. =P

i'm glad that God placed certain people in your life just to let you understand certain things. i've been in it and i'm clear of who my friends really are and how much they meant to me. Friends leave footprints in your life, be it good or bad. it all comes as a good learning experience. others who might have hurt me before , helped me realised that life isnt that all smooth-sailing and a bed of roses. its the thorns that keeps you going.

i know at times i'm (a little) straightforward and often i tend to regret stuffs i said. i hope to avoid stuffs scenarios but well i should say that i'm still learning each day to be careful with my words. esp my intentions.recently i've been really dumb and i'm really sorry about what i said to that someone. it wasnt my intention to rub it in, its just....okay i'm really really sorry. i wont do that again after hearing so much about it. i guess you must have thought i'm irritating. oh well. i'll learn to say the right stuffs now. promise. =))

its not the right time to be emotionally inter-linked or associated with people. concentrate on your BIG As my dear girl! i know i'm vulnerable but still. haha. well if its just a silly thing, then i shouldnt be worried and besides it cant be that bad. perhaps he's right, i might have fallen unknowingly. BUT I WONT ADMIT TO THAT. i've got better things to focus on. like i've said before, if my relationship with Him is solid-strong, no guy would have such an impact. or at least for someone whom i thought was a potential.hehe. well its all in the past now.

finally moving on to a new phrase of life. perhaps he's there for a good reason and i must say that if it wasnt for him. i wouldnt have made it so far after so much that i've been through. truely he's an angel to me and he'll always have a special place in my heart ( although things didnt work out between us). =)

yeepee! cant wait for guitar practices when school starts! i'm currently obsessed with my guitar! =) good old Number. 033. i think i've bonded with it. LOL. =) cant wait to touch you soon.

what else can a girl want at this point of time? haha.
it was great. having time out with my darlings.
it's the very first time we had an outing since like who knows when. haha.
seems like we're all in need of a break. i guess for me especially when i told them my last movie was like last year with Jo and Immi. haha. most of the fun was silly but still love them lots. will definitely keep in contact with them after we leave college. =)

under smiles and giggles there's always something more. i know this scenario too well. it seems like history is repeating itself again. just this feeling that i've been thru it and the outcome was bad. is it what it seems to be going to happen again? i hope not. i'm nervous and okay afraid. who isnt? i managed to come out of the hole and now i'm slipped right back in. no way i'm letting it happen. its too much for me to handle. =/
the underlying truth is - i wont admit to anything cause it isnt true. i dont feel that way. its not a change of heart. i need time to deal with my own problems and it hasnt been easy. there has been a couple of relapses( like illness) and it was only God who can help me. perhaps if my relationship with God is solid, no guy would have such an impact. besides the very last guy whom i'm really into, he's somewhat someone i would guess is dear to me even now when i no longer feel the same. yeah. haha. men. men. such headaches. =P

yeepee! found the lyrics of the song by altered frequency- running back to you =))

How could I walk away,

From all I once knew,

Promises I held on to,

Who am i kidding?

Who am I fooling?

And to think I can live like this?

Can't keep on running away from You,

Can't go on living this lie I'm in,

Letting it all go and I'm turning around,

I hear You calling me so I'm running back to You

An angel by day, A devil by night,

Don't know who I am anymore

So very confused, And so conflicted, I just can't take this anymore.

' i tRy fOr hApPiNesS iN thE midSt oF aLl thiS eMptiNess.'

here's a snap shot of me and jody during the Shiokissimo Concert ( SRJC guitar ensemble's first ever concert). 

just a little update ..

Work:
Srjc guitar ensemble first ever concert is finally over. it was successful i should say although there was mixed comments about the outcome. oh well. we HAD a miracle alright! and all goes up to Him up there who made the impossible possible. =)

workload starting to get heavier and the stress has found its way in me. stinks to be in it but im sure things are beautiful on the other side. just going lean back and fall into His arms of grace to carry me over. GP exam is coming soon. 15th april. how nice. we're in the midst of preparing for both midyears and SYF. better manage my time properly.

Life:
hee. i'm really convinced that i should just concentrate on my studies. i'm glad that i'm over him and well let's just say i'm not going to put myself into awkward situations again if that's avoidable. haha. Life's just filled with temptations and well gotta fight those emotions! i'm not afraid whether if i would fall for anyone at this point of time cause i'm not taking it seriously. it would be obviously myself looking for a source of 'alternate' distraction. lol. how silly.
if i do admire him much, i wouldnt make a move. i'll just be his friend and nothing else. =)
Lessons drawn from life's many encounters, makes one just aware of the path to take BUT with God in it. that's the essential.

i guess when it hits you, there's 2 choices : ignore or let it hit you. i'm just comtemplating with myself whether have i been hit or just ignorant. i rem an incident that something just hit me( like some sort of weird feeling of bliss or 'nice'- oh what the heck) when i saw him that fateful day. i kinda did a small experiment again but well that was a false alarm. hahah. well to note that each day my impression of him gradually improves. =)

i've dismissed it as just a silly thought. yups. besides i've no time for such things. then again, i rather fall in love with God more and deeper. His love is just not measurable. =))


' It Drives Me wild but no One makes Me MiLd Like You.'

Oxymoron of life

raw form of reality comes in first hand.
the post exam drama mamas and scenarios.
taunts me and shakes me hard.
reality sinks in deeper when you are face-to-face with your slip.
just you, yourself and no one else to break that suspense.
placed in a situation where choices determine your path.
perhaps its the crossroads of life.

in times like this, peace and comfort's a privillege and gift.
only the faint hearted and beloved ones could enjoy.
oh what sense! to be working your asses off.
grace.grace.something that only God could give at this moment of peace and comfort.

i dislike the way you look at me. it seems that you've lots to say but chose not to. dont give me that impression anymore okay? i cant take any of those anymore. it wasnt easy to move on and living life the way it was before i met you. i know you meant nothing and its just the way you are. i'll take that in mind. besides that just didnt like the way you looked at me. i dont know why there's this undying hope in me. oh wells , you dont have to be bothered with it. give me some more time and i'll be more ready to face you again. sometimes like illness there are relapses. perhaps i'm just going through that. =)