-screams-

school's starting on monday!

-bleahs-

booo~~~~

okay that aside. Well, it shouldnt be a bad thing that school's going to start officially for me and that's goodbye to my carefree days ( that only lasted one week since I worked away half of my year already) . I cant imagine when everyone's going to start uni and the time to meet up literally disappear. sigh. I dont want that. =(

I really wonder what kind of people Im going to meet at this degree programme. Something tells me that its probably be more girls than guys or worse off, an all girls class. wooh. that's gonna be quite horrible if things turn bad and sour. haha. okay. I shouldnt be bothered with it, I'll just be cool and go with the flow. Besides, it shouldnt be all that bad right?

To think that I used to be pretty sociable and all that when I was younger, the present me is a big contrast to what I was then. I feel so ashamed. I used to be confident, outgoing and people wanting to be friends with me. argh.

oh well, jess's leaving for Aussie tml.
yeah, i feel sad that i've one person lesser to talk to. she's a great friend and always encouraging me. blessed to have her as my friend. pray that she's gonna be fine and have a great 3 years over at Aussie.

Another chapter of my life is just getting started. I feel 'lazy' that i have to move on. I guess its just the insecurities that's holding me back and the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone really freaks me. Im no longer that confident. maybe i need just alittle bit more of that, that i can, u know face the world of endless challenges? All those not-so-nice-friends-related-incidents shattered most of my trust and my ability to judge others. Im still on the road to recovery though, with alot to learn. Trust itself is the most sensitive issue. bleahs. complicated shit but its vital...

Was sharing with a friend that she's not alone in the game of making new friends. Its not so simple if you're shy by nature and stuffs like that. Of course, everyone or anyone in fact will somehow be concerned on how others look at them and what else, people's first impressio of them. Definitely no one wants to look bad or give a bad impression, but sometimes its just a matter of opinion that you shouldnt be so bothered with. Like I told her, " You cant change how others think of you but you can win them over with your confidence, smile and kindness." That's how people get comfortable and start getting closer. Making new friends is not easy. It is a skill that you have to constantly pick up when you meet different people in your lifetime.

My personal take on making new friends : It is a piece of art man!
tough shit. :P

oh yeah. I had a good time on thurs with Jo and her friends. They are such lovely girls which different personalities. I had fun teaching them bowling. It kinds stinks now cause im aching like shit all over. bleahs. the result of not exercising for a long time. I must say these girls are pretty good for first timers and they pretty picked up the technique. I cant say Im a good teacher but they are bright students! Im proud of them. Later, dropped by at the same bowling alley to find my colleagues. They had some bowling night and I must say, my jaw dropped at how good they were at the game! Especially, my boss. Man she's good! Intended to just hang around and head home with another colleague, in the end, got dragged in to play one round. I couldnt take it. I was really doing badly and I think i made myself a fool. its stinks! But i still had fun, seeing my colleagues, having lots of fun. The most interesting fact : Seeing Adults in their most childish moments. IT IS JUST CLASSIC MAN!

Okay. that was evil but it was classic. HAHAHA.

People that i see daily turned kids just cause of bowling. cant u imagine? ROWDY! hahahahaha. Im simply awed at the fact : the extent those people literally let their hair down. even rose, rob, wends and liling!! my gosh. speaking of liling, she's really good at bowling. Her constitency is something i will take my hat off her. fgood!

unforgetable night ended with me aching all over. bleahs.


ps. kinda a pity that he isnt there though. hmm, oei woman. stop daydreaming! okokie sorry.lol.

Have you ever felt lonely and that you have no friends? When you wanted to talk to someone and you realised that you didnt have anyone on your phone's speed dial mode, or you were scrolling down your contact list and realised that there is not really one whom you really want to talk to?

Sigh. It seems so deja vu. Like everything seems to be hitting me back at my face. I seriously do really think that I've done anything 'wrong' but it seems for once(maybe), Im feeling that way. It somehow occurred to me, how much I've changed in my preference of friends or rather the kind of company I would to hang out with. That's unhealthy, robin commented ( he's that mentor :] ). I guess unknowingly over the years after O levels, I've become more defined in my choice of friends and I guess even going to the extent of judging them before really knowing them. Im basing everything on my 1st impressions instead of really getting to know them.

Had dinner with robin the other night and he was telling me that I should be more opened in my social circle . As usual, I would take it in my stride and just chuck it somewhere else in my head. I was like why is he telling me that kinda thing? What's wrong with my choice of friends? Being opened and choice of friends doesnt seem to go hand in hand and further more, its a matter of personal preference/opinion and on top of that, its totally 2 different matters. Its problematic, if placed together. Like now. Im trying to convince myself that yea I should work on his advice and know more people. On the other hand, Im thinking of the extent ( the kind of 'homework') I've to do when I know people whose not really at my frequency. Besides that point, communication might be a problem since I'm more english-speaking. Although Im fluent in mandarin, my mode of communication is still in english.

!!@!@$#^%*%*#%$#^#&$* - Feeling really bleah about the entire issue. Well, finally everything makes sense why he made such a comment and I only realised it today.

Today's outing ended up with me feeling really shitty for god-knows reason. I mean what's so bad about it? I finally met up with my classmates that I've not seen in 3 years ( cause I guess everyone's too busy with their own lives to actually meet up and besides that, they arent really the closest people I hang out with. so yeah) and I must say everyone looked so different. One girl said I didnt change much, I was surprised though. Cuz I felt that I've kinda aged alittle ever since taking on the A Level route of studies. haha.

Did alot of catching up with each others' lives and many other stuffs. But it wasnt really much because there was simply too much to catch up on and you dont know where to start. sounds tragic? I think its rather unfortunate cause it suddenly rained on me that these girls are probably the ones that I dont really think I will meet up often. I wondered like when they make comments like we should meet up often next time, will it really be fulfilled or rather its just empty 'promises'? I really wonder. If so, why didnt we meet up during the past 3 years?

Sour about this issue. Afterall, Im pretty glad that I was still able to meet these girls. Keeping in touch would require additional efforts though. Hopefully I'll do it. Dont get me wrong, its not like Im the unwilling party. I grew tired of being the one taking initiatives of keeping the friendship intact. Im tired cause most of my friends are as such, however thankfully the closer ones dont do this to me. This shouldnt be the way keeping-in-touching should be cause one-sided effort makes everything loped-sided. After sometime, it gets tiring on one of the sides and gradually the friendship just slowly fades off and maybe 'die off'. Friendship is 2 way thingy and if one doesnt get this concept right, its just pitiful. Utterly pitiful.

Realised that I speak more mandarin when Im with my primary school buddies as well as my classmates and I speak mostly english to my seconday school besties, US gang as well as my JC buddies and others. I tried to 'tune' back ( between both languages) but naturally, mandarin just comes out of my mouth. good grief! I guess its just weird. Maybe its cause of this, Im probably not used to it and naturally felt out of place at the gathering somehow.

I guess I am to be blamed for being picky about friends. Hmm, now that's a food for thought.

Now that everything falls into place nicely, robin's advice made sense out of this situation and Im feeling better about the issue. ( Earlier, got quite upset after realising that i've no one to really pour out to and this issue slapped me straight on my face. It wasnt a nice feeling though.)

I really need some real form of loving.

Like really loving myself? Im kinda not confident and I guess after all these years, Im still struggling with this weakness of mine which is the root cause of my not-so-confident-self. Oh well, there's still so much for me to learn from and life's lessons doesnt end when one chapter of it ends and a new one starts before you even complete the 'homework'.

The last thing that I guess I have to do : Make more friends.

School's starting like really soon ( I know i've said that umpteen times but hey, who the schooling-one here? ) and I guess I'll let things be. Hopefully I'll click with someone.

Being opened wise, it take a long while cause I've my own set of values and principles that I hold on to.










*Updates on the RLM thingy : its just a passing phrase for me and this guy was just a sort of distraction at the firm. kinda appreciate his presence though cause he made going to work extra special and what more= FUN!

I wish friday didnt have to end so soon. Waking early to catch the train to work, arriving slightly later than the reporting time to a boss that doesnt seem to mind as long you turn up for work, asking my boss the first question of the day " do you have anything for me to do?", wracking my mind for a lunch khaki during that hour, cracking lame jokes and talking about random stuffs with my colleagues in between the boring afternoons- rushing datelines and stuffs like that, doing errands as the 'courier' - up and down the 2 floors with zeal ( well, that depends on who I'm going look for, haha) , begging for work when there is simply nothing to do as well as opportunities to OT, getting to know everyone and people of my concern and always being stuffed with food to eat. That quite sums up my 4 mths plus at the firm, maybe partial cause there's just too many things to talk about if you ask me.

It started normal and all but when afternoon came, the mood seemed different. I felt sad yet excited cause Im closing a chapter of my life and starting another of it soon. Everyone told me not to work so hard cause it was my last day but being the 'perfectionist' I am, I finished up my work nicely - nothing was left undone ( except for 2 piles of unfortunate ones that I cant help with). I guess it was the training I had gone through since secondary school days, being the prefect and all that, like in whatever you do, you gotta give your best kinda shit? Haha. I guess I did hold on to that principle although some a**es think Im crazy. I mean like what's the harm? It does help when you go for the next job interview, doesnt it? The previous employer has good comments about your working attitude. That looks damn good on a resume.

Its been a fruitful 4 mths plus of work. New discoveries, New people, New working styles, New understanding, New relationships - all great :)

Every single individual I met has had an impact in certain areas of my life. Im grateful, truly I am cause they were there when I had my ups-and-downs and down-and-out days. I mean its like of all people you expect, they were the ones who actually reached out. I was touched, definitely. Some offered advices, some offered a listening ear, some offered to cheer me up and even the smallest of all gestures just touches me. The emotion felt behind my masked facade was gratitude and more gratitute. Especially my boss, although she doesnt say much, her actions are all heart-felt and I appreciate having her as my mentor. It was a far contrast to how she was like and my impression of her on my first day at the firm. I was terrorised!

There's also many issues that were raised and it set me thinking alot more than how I usual would be doing. Things that I've not come across and many other issues that I have not consider or rather my plans for the next 5 years. Its stirring man! hehe.

Another mentor that I had was this guy. I was able to click with him despite the huge age gap and I must say, he's really fun to talk to. Why he's a mentor to me? All the conversations we had, he's always encouraging me and giving advices to my studies, life and even my working life in the future. I guess I've never really had people who's tons older than me and we could click. Amazing, totally.

There's many sweet people whom I appreciate them - their smiles. Who will like someone who doesnt smile? I really cant tolerate especially when you are sorta 'recognise-able' after being at the same place for mths? I have to learn from this espisode : Not everyone's friendly and all smiley-smiley like me. Sometimes being overly friendly gets people into trouble. I guess you just have to use it discreetly then.

The most essential thing I take away with me : Life's unteachable lessons about Humans
Sounds pretty cheesy but that's the way it is or rather it was about.

Invaluable advices and first-hand testimonals are things that I doubt I'll ever hear it again for the next 3 years, might come in handy someday. ;)

Glad that they were part of my life for the last 4 mths plus - THANK YOU PEEPS!

On the lighter note, School's starting soon. I dont exactly look forward or am being excited about it, probably cause Im still used to the working life. This week is precious for tuning myself back to my studying routine. Hopefully if everything works out, maybe I'll try to help them back on a PT basis.

Lately I'm getting more and more ridiculous on the kind of guys I would want to date and probably going to have as an ideal other half. Im quite traumatised at my ownself's insistence on dating a lawyer ( I must be screwed up somewhere in my head ). Sounds contrary but TRUE. Maybe I need some real loving.


*Updates on the RLM thingy : I think he was checking me out today. lol. -trying to sound bimbo about it-
BLEAHS.

i aM Out Of My MinD.










oh well, pretty long entry but there's just so much I want to say but just cant find the exact words to express everything.

=S

I wanted to post this entry on tues but the internet is screwy. oh well. here it is anyway..........
( the 'yesterdays' are references to mon when i wrote the entry..)

I've been getting the twinkles lately.

Im not sure what's all this about but its getting annoying. Yesterday, I bumped into you. Later when i went to bed, i've got nightmares of you. I cant believe im being chased around in my dream with you inside. you said something to me in the dream and argh. its been for sometime that i've been having dreams with you inside but i didnt bother until this dream that cause me to feel so intimidated again. damn. its not nice having dreams that i'm always always practically running for my dear life.

i guess i can still vividly remember that faithful friday i did my errands and you gave me the most disgusting stare together with your secretary that i was some alien from outer space. im so pissed. you looked as though you're mocking me and although i felt superior when i walked past you ( cuz you're damn short! muahahaha!). BUT THE STARE YOU GAVE WAS DAMN WHOLE LOT INTIMIDATING ENOUGH.

i cant believe i have to feel threatened cuz of some shitty dream that was triggered by bumping into you in the day.

what's all this about?

I seriously think im the one with the problem. i cant blame you cause you did nothing and it was me that reacted. damn. its that nursing-the-little-twinkle-inside.

im scared of ever seeing you again. dont rain anymore surprises on me. i dont eat that kind of shit. oh well, im leaving for good soon and besides you dont know me but i do know quite alot about you. im not your secret admirer or whatever, just blame it on the fact that i had to come in contact with your work and probably with your secretary. it was just some sort of entertainment that helped me buy time working at the firm.

i seriously cant wait.

on the other hand, there will be people i'll definitely miss but NEVER it will be YOU. you cause me so much anxiety and other shits. although you're a cutie and you earn big bucks and probably drive a big car and many other things, i just dont like you. in fact, i think im gonna dislike you even more.

HAHA!

i know my wish is the silliest at the moment. if we had the chance, we could be friends. that's not possible. you seem to be the sort that prefers to hang around people of your same level and that is definitely not my level. boo to me then.

BOOBOOBOO~