i just cant understand myself at times. really.on the surface everything seems fine and all but deep down its just another story. am i lying to myself again? on the serious note i've long forgotten about the letter i wrote to him ( well i didnt have the chance to give it to him yet cause i'm hesitant) . the prob is that there are 2 issues that are holding me back( also my exams so no time) .

1) his reaction to my letter and to me after the letter
i mean its like yea i feel i need to do something to resolve our misunderstandings but how to go about doing it. he might say " is there such a thing? i dont know!" i wouldnt want to be in that fix. i really dont know. Celeste did made a good point. what do i want to get out from it? what are my expectations? a restored friendship?
i definitely dont expect much but at least we can talk more? these days i'm feeling more awkward seeing him around so much. its not cause i still feel for him. no that's history already.i hope that i dont feel awkward. it just isnt right.

2) leaving the entire issue alone
that's exactly what's happening right now. i'm just in a dilemma. i dont know what to do. been praying about this for a really long time. i havent gotten my answer yet. maybe the answer is there is just that i dont see or pay attention to it. if that's really the case then i'll let things be what it is. having nothing to do with him is good but then again we've to work together for the camp and other areas. i really cant afford having to put myself in an emotional turmoil everytime. his body language totally turns me off and i just dont feel like talking to him anyway. besides on my part to start being 'nice' might rouse his suspicion if i did that. so yea keeping things this way may be better.

this dilemma is total crap. i can choose not to be bothered by it but i cant help it. i guess our present situation is summarised by this song by Keane ' We might as well be strangers'.
seriously that's not wat God wants of his children to be at odds with each other. oh well.

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place, I'm looking for

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well...(3x)

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier, to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another town
We might as well...(2x)
We might as well be strangers! Be strangers
For all I know of you now.....(4x)

p.s Celeste..if u're reading this entry..maybe u can understand alittle better cuz i just dont know how to express myself verbally. *:)